Inconvenient Relative?

From left: My Great-Grandmother Eula, my Grandmother Frances, my Mother Rhonda and the baby is my sister Michelle. Does't my mom look so super thrilled? RBF at it's finest.

And so it begins....

Just kidding! I really hate when people use that phrase. Like on Instagram posts before announcing a new cross stitch project. Or when getting on a plane before a bachelorette girls' getaway or a blogger convention or whatever. It's like calm down Vanessa. You are starting a juice cleanse not embarking on a journey to retrieve the lost ark. Well, I would be annoyed by that phrase being used in any of those situations too. So just stop it. 

Sigh. Anyway....

So what is Inconvenient Relative? Well, it's a blog. I chose to name the blog Inconvenient Relative for a few reasons. The first reason is because I am a 37 year old who cannot spell inconvenient to save her life. I have no idea why but I have THE HARDEST time spelling inconvenient. Like literally every time I have typed it out so far I get the emergency spelling red underline and have to right click to be told how to spell it. So I thought maybe if I had to type it over and over again I would finally nail the spelling. It could change my life!

Inconvenient Inconvenient Inconvenient Inconvenient 

I got three out of four that time. 

Another reason why I chose the name Inconvenient Relative is because this is how I identify myself within my family and friends. Just the biggest fucking let down and inconvenience. Yes, I am the inconvenient relative. We all have one right? My mental health issues combined with growing up in a dysfunctional family has secured my destiny as such. Even if I'm not really viewed as a fucking failure and incredibly inconvenient, my brain is there to remind me that reality doesn't matter as long as she's wired to tell me otherwise. 

Me at maybe 3 or 4 years old. I loved that horse. Bouncing around on it made me feel like I was flying.

As a kid trying to maneuver through a chaotic house with parents who were wrapped up in their own bullshit they got from their dysfunctional family, love and support was hard to come by. My parents showed little to no emotion towards me. (Mom-little Dad-no) If they did grace me with an emotional response it was usually frustration or anger. I was either in trouble or walking around on eggshells trying to avoid trouble. So as an adult I always think that people are mad at me or that I am "in trouble" somehow. If neither of these scenarios turn out to prove true, which they usually don't because it's not reality, my fucked-up brain will lead me in a truly awful self-sabotage mission. I feel most comfortable when I am uncomfortable, swimming in drama or surrounded by people who hate me. Having a real reason to be upset makes my sadness valid. This affects my marriage. Most of the time I do not see my husband as an equal partner. I see and treat him like he is my dad. Yes. I have some extreme "daddy issues." I am still scared that I am going to get into trouble. My husband is patient, supportive and very loving. So my fear is completely unwarranted and 100% in my head. Just my own bullshit. It affects my ability to be a parent. I don't think a lot of parents walk around thinking that their children are mad at them and hate them. But I do. Quite frequently. It makes having tough conversations with my kids hard. Because I never want to disappoint or upset them. But unfortunately that is a large part of raising a decent human being. I really fucking wish my parents would have tried a little harder with me. 

I was also sexually and physically assaulted as a child by someone in my family. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager by "friends". I am not ready to dive into any of that but maybe someday I will. So I also have a lot of trust issues with men and usually always feel uncomfortable around them. I feel like all men have a really evil dark side that they hide and it's just a matter of time before it comes out. I am particularly untrusting and anxious about this when it comes to my daughters. I have such a fear of something horrific happening to them. I know how hard it is to live with and would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to them. Not my fault I know. But as I mentioned earlier, my brain is working against me.

One of my favorite lines that my mother has said about me for ages is that "Kit was always such a strange child." She still says it to this day. Turns out I was and still am just suffering from extreme anxiety, PTSD, major depression and ADD. But whatever. Strange is strange.

I could say a lot more about my family and my upbringing but I will save it for future posts. 

Lastly, I started a blog because I needed a space to talk about whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. I mean isn't that why anyone starts a blog? It's completely selfish. Another bigger reason was I was really inspired by Mental Health month last month. Folks were sharing stories of their mental health hardships and successes in print and online. I thought that it seemed like a great way to unload some of my own thoughts and was a great way to reach out to others. Also, it seems cheaper than increasing the frequency of my therapy appointments. 

Me with one of my dogs. She is a black lab mix named Rosie.

Putting a focus on my mental health struggle and the stigmas surrounding mental health are two things that I usually like to avoid. STUFF IT DOWN. I'M FINE. That cycle really hasn't worked for me over 37 years so I thought that it's time to shine a light on my dark insides and clear out the clutter. And maybe someone, somewhere will read one of my posts and feel a little less terrible, a little less afraid and alone. Or maybe they will laugh or find something that I wrote helpful. I like the idea of creating a community of people sharing experiences and ideas. A place where everyone can feel a part of something and that the world is a bigger, brighter place than what their brain may be letting them in on. And maybe, just maybe, I will feel a little better too. 






















































Basically I just felt like I needed a space to talk about what I wanted to when I wanted to. I mean, isn't that why anyone starts a blog? It's completely selfish. But also, I am planning on discussing a lot about mental health. My mental health struggle, the stigmas surrounding mental health, news related to, just everything mental health. So maybe someone somewhere will read one of my posts and feel a little less alone or scared or maybe they will laugh or find something I said helpful.