A Mental Health Update

So, I have been feeling pretty awful for the past few weeks. Depressed, tired and hopeless. One week, I pretty much stayed in bed everyday. I can't work, I can't sleep. Being present with my family has been a challenge. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.

But instead, after that shitty week of bed rest, I got up. I dusted myself off and asked myself what I needed. I needed to be heard and understood. I needed to learn more about why I was feeling the way that I was. I needed a constructive distraction that I was able to carry out.

I ended up buying a few things to help me on my journey. I bought two really great guided journals and I continued to journal daily in my regular journal. I bought tarot cards to help distract me. I checked out a million books at the library. Everything from juicy fiction to books on bipolar disorder to ones that helped me learn about my new tarot cards.

I decided that I was going to take some time off of work to take care of myself. I am lucky enough to have an amazing and understanding boss and the means to take a few weeks off. I decided to stop drinking. Why add to my depression? I decided to finally find a therapist. I found one and am waiting to hear back about my first appointment. I decided to commit to every single act of self-care that I came across. Baths, reading, writing, yoga and meditation. I'm doing it all. My doctor added Vraylar to my current medications. It's not been long enough to tell if it is working or not, but my fingers are crossed.

So slowly I am climbing out of my hole. Each day has been challenging, but each day I feel a little bit better. I still don't feel like myself though. This depressive state has lasted about a month. I'm starting to wonder if I am ever going to feel like myself again. Or maybe I'm changing. This may sound dumb but kind of like a butterfly. Maybe my depressive state is my cocoon and I am going to emerge completely changed with big beautiful, colorful wings. Maybe I am just transforming into a newer version of my old self.

Only time will tell how I will emerge on the other side of this. I'm doing my best to remain patient and diligent with my medications, self-care and hopefully therapy soon. It's all that I can do. It is helping me to feel like I am in control of what at times feels like a very out of control situation. I have an amazing circle of supportive family and friends. I just have to keep moving forward. It's all that I can do.