Impostor Syndrome Part 2: My Story

Photo Credit: Heather Buchanan

My depression tells me that I'm worthless. My anxiety tells me that everything is always wrong, and that I need to spend every minute of my life worrying about it. My Impostor Syndrome tells me that I am a fraud and just moments away from being "found out."  When things get really messy in my head, my impostor syndrome holds hands with my depression while they whisper back and forth to each other about how inadequate I am. Then they meet up with my anxiety and point and laugh at me while I obsessively compare myself to everyone else, feeling like a fake and that I will never be as awesome as them. You wouldn't know by looking at me, but most of the time I am silently freaking out on the inside. 

I can remember having symptoms of impostor syndrome from a very young age. My father always put a heavy emphasis on my looks and never on my actual intelligence or achievements. He used to introduce me to people as "the future Miss Maryland." So growing up, I put a lot of stock into my looks, and felt threatened if I perceived someone to be more attractive than me. As i grew up, my self-esteem plummeted because there were always girls who I thought were more attractive than me. And as my self-esteem got lower and lower, the more I was threatened by attractive girls. It was a vicious cycle. The constant beauty pageant that was taking place in my head was exhausting.

Photo Credit: Iowa State University

As an adult I always had feelings of inadequacy even when I was successful. It most likely all goes back to me feeling like only my looks matter. I never felt like it mattered if I was applauded for successes in my career even if I couldn't pinpoint why. When I succeeded it just felt wrong. Like I didn't deserve it because I was an impostor. Even though I really did something and others could see and appreciate it, my reality was so distorted that I couldn't believe in myself or my achievements. I was just a pretty face, not smart or capable. I worked in Human Resources Management and could never believe that the companies I worked for were letting me hire and fire people, establish and carry out policies and procedures, and be trusted with payroll responsibilities. Couldn't they see that I was a failure and faking my way through everything? Of course they couldn't because that was my fake reality. I worked hard and did a great job throughout my career, but could never enjoy it because I was always worried about someone pulling the curtain back and discovering that Oz is just a human man.

After I left Human Resources to become a freelance writer my impostor syndrome followed. I was working for myself and being paid for my creativity and writing skills. Were my clients nuts? Couldn't they see that I wasn't a "real writer?" Well, eight years later they still haven't figured it out but, I still struggle with those thoughts on the regular. 

It's seriously exhausting feeling as though you are not really who people "think" you are or that you are never enough. Always looking over your shoulder in fear of being exposed. Always pushing yourself harder or being so paralyzed that you just do nothing at all and end up self-sabotaging yourself. 

Before researching for Part 1 of this post I did not know that there were different types of impostor syndrome. But after reading about them I discovered that I can identify with more than one type. I do still struggle with my looks vs. my achievements, and have feelings of impostor syndrome pretty frequently. However, now that I am on an effective medication regime, the thoughts are less loud and much more manageable. I still can't imagine what it feels like to really feel your successes though. It must be amazing.