Gaslighting Is the Worst

Most likely, at some point in your life, you have experienced gaslighting. Gaslighting can be sneaky, and maybe you didn't notice it. But it probably affected you in a negative way. You knew something seemed wrong, but you just couldn't put your finger on it. That's gaslighting. Let's talk about it.

Gaslighting is a tactic used by a person to gain more power. They use it to make their victim question their own thoughts and reality in the hopes of manipulating them to get what they want. Think cult leaders, dictators, our president. It is a form of emotional abuse, and can have devastating effects on a relationship. Usually, the deception and manipulation is centered around an incredible amount of lies the abuser tells in order to break down their victim's sense of self-worth and perception of what is real.

There is a popular movie from 1944 called "Gaslight". In the movie, the husband uses deception to make his wife believe that she is going crazy.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly half of all women and men in the United States say that they have been the victim of psychological abuse by an intimate partner. However, the abuse is harder to recognize since it cannot be seen like the bruises and busted lips of physical abuse. When you have a black eye you can say, "This happened to me". But when someone is gaslighting you, you question what is happening to you because all you have to show for it is self-doubt and a feeling that something is off. The abuser will continue to instigate your self-doubt until they eventually wear down their victims, and ultimately gain control. Victims become hopeless, give up on themselves, and surrender their reality to believe what their abuser is saying. They begin to think that they are wrong and that the abuser is right.

Nightmare right? Let's touch on some of the tell-tale signs that you are being gaslighted. Here are some typical tactics used by a gaslighter.

They tell obvious lies.

It's so obvious that what they are saying to you is a blatant lie. It has to be because they are setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a whopper of a lie, you can never truly be sure if they are telling you the truth or not. Keeping you unsteady is the game plan here.

They deny that they ever said something, even if you can prove that they did.

You know for a fact that your abuser said something. You may even have proof that they said it. But they vehemently deny it. Their strong denial leads you to question yourself, and you start to wonder if maybe you are wrong.

They attack the foundation of your being.

Your abuser knows how important your identity is to you. So that may be one of the first things they attack. Possibly saying something about how you would be such an awesome person if it wasn't for your long list of negative traits. You then start to question your self-worth and start believing what they say. Goodbye self-esteem.

They wear you down over time.

Gaslighting someone is a very slow dance. Sprinkle some lies in every now and then, fold in the occasionally shitty comment, and mix it up until the victim is left confused and exhausted. Then, the gaslighting campaign ramps up until the victim is completely worn down and the abuser has full control.

They don't practice what they preach.

When you think someone is gaslighting you, pay attention to what they do rather than what they say. Words mean nothing, it is the action behind the words that are harmful.

They shower you with praise to confuse you.

Your abuser will try to convince you that you have no value, but then praise you for something amazing that you did. Confusing right? It's meant to be. It just adds another layer of uneasiness onto what the victim already feels. They start to think that maybe their abuser isn't so bad after all. But it is all an attempt to keep the victim guessing. Also, most likely, the thing that you are receiving positive reinforcement for probably benefited the abuser in some way.

They use confusion to weaken you.

Most people love having a sense of stability and normalcy. We thrive on it. So when your abuser uproots your sense of stability and normalcy, you begin to question everything. This causes you to look for a person or entity that will help you to feel more stable. And guess who is waiting to be your knight in shining armor? Hello gaslighter!

They project.

This is huge and really plays into the victims self-doubt. For example, your spouse may be cheating on you but constantly accuses you of cheating. What happens is that the victim becomes so caught up in defending themselves that they lose sight of the abusers own behavior.

They try to get people against you and for them.

People who gaslight are the best at finding and manipulating people that they know will stand with them no matter what. They love to use these people against you. An example of this would be that the abuser would say something like "This person knows that something is wrong with you." The biggest bummer about this technique is that it hurts that person's reputation in the eyes of the victim because they think that they think negatively of them. When in fact the case may be that they never said nor do they think these things. It's just more lies from the abuser. Using people you know against you makes you not know who to trust, leading you right back to the gaslighter. Isolation gives them more control.

They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is another important technique used by gaslighters. The abuser questions the victims sanity to others, causing them to question the victim's sanity. Then, when the victim defends themselves, and insists that the abuser is wrong, they wont be believed by the people the gaslighter stuck their claws into. This also makes the victim question their own sanity. Maybe they are crazy? Unfortunately, there is strength in numbers, and this situation does not bode well for the victim's sense of self-worth.

They try to convince you that everyone else is a liar.

Your family, your friends, the media, (sound familiar?) they are all lying to you. This is what a gaslighter wants their victim to believe. Then the victim again starts to question what they know and who they can trust. This could lead to further isolation of the victim, leaving the abuser as the only place to turn to for "accurate" information.

So what can you do if you realize that you are the victim of being gaslighted? Well for starters, celebrate yourself because you are one tough cookie and very self-aware. Realizing that you have a problem, and that the problem is not you, is a huge deal and an important first step to shutting it down.

People who gaslight are generally supreme narcissists. They are in love with themselves and are addicted to gloating about how amazing they are. When someone threatens their number one status, the gaslighting starts. They can only stay on top one of two ways. By putting the other person down or by elevating themselves. Gaslighting is a two-for-one punch because it takes care of both things at the same time. 

The best way to deal with a stubborn narcissist is to not deal with them at all. They are demanding all of your admiration and attention, and they truly need it to survive. Don't give it to them. Ignore them. Walk away. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from the situation. Bring passive aggressive can sometimes be a bad thing but in this case its the best course of action. Also, you do not owe them any respect, so stop feeling guilty about shutting them out. They want your admiration and respect so badly that it hurts, but you do not owe that to anyone. Stop second guessing yourself sis! Stand by your actions and decisions. Be confident that your feelings are valid. Be sure to maintain your independence and stay out of the gaslighters web. Toxic people are exhausting. As difficult as it may be, cutting this person out of your life may be the best thing for you and your well-being. Always remember that none of this is about you, you are not to blame, and your strength is your power.

Gaslighters suck, but with the right knowledge and confidence in yourself, you can beat the gaslighter at their own game, and emerge from the wreckage unscathed. I'm curious to know, have you ever been gaslighted?