Mom, It's Okay To Need Help
In this Instagrammable, #blessed, perfectly posed world that we live in, mothers feel pressured to do it all. In order to full achieve peak mom, we feel like our house needs to be flawless, our children cherubs at all times, and our marriage perfect. On a daily basis, moms everywhere stretch themselves and their time volunteering for the PTA, running their kids around to endless activities, and preparing a healthy and enticing dinner. We are hosting parties, attending play dates, packing lunches and making appointments. We are tackling the laundry, running to the post office, filling out forms and maintaining a never-ending to-do list in our heads.
Sound about right? It's fucking exhausting. And stressful. And impossible to keep up.
But to throw the towel in and ask for help is to admit defeat right? Self-care is for the weak. Checking in with your mental health or even questioning it in the first place makes you a failure doesn't it?
Do you ever wake up and wonder how you are going to make it through your day? Do you dread every single task on your list? Do you ever wish that you could just lie on the kitchen floor and stare at the ceiling for an hour? Okay, that last one was a little specific, but I have dreams too you know.
Do you ever wish that your kids would just be quiet and give you a minute? Is your partner seriously rolling their eyes at leftovers? Do you ever wish that you could get away. Alone? Do you ever feel overwhelmed and hopeless and sad. Less than perfect?
Shouldn't you be happy? You have it all! A great partner, wonderful kids and a beautiful home. You are truly a superhero who is plowing your way through life, achieving everything and killing it everyday. You are fine. You don't need a break. You aren't a quitter.
Look. If this is all hitting a little too close to home then sit down. You need to read this.
IT IS OKAY to need to slow down, delegate and ask for help. In fact, it is essential to your mental health and overall well-being. This may come as a shock to you, but you simply cannot do it all every day. In our culture, being "busy" all of the time is a point of pride. Moms are experiencing more pressure than ever to hold everything down. As I mentioned earlier, social media sets some pretty high expectations. In the past, moms compared themselves to their parents, siblings or friends. Now on top of those comparisons, we are comparing ourselves to every single seemingly perfect person on social media. It's not realistic. And it certainly isn't healthy.
Not to mention that most of the time moms view themselves as the sole child care provider. Have you ever referred to your partner as "babysitting the kids"? Mmmm hmmm. Or watch as people flood them with accolades for spending time with THEIR kids? Moms aren't treated the same way, and it affects how they view their role in the parenting team. Maybe you are a single mom and truly are the only caregiver to your children. That's really tough. Feeling like you are alone in this parenting thing can be very isolating. I hope that if you are in that situation that you have an excellent support team of family and friends that you can rely on. Once upon a time I was a single mom of two under two, and I seriously do not think I would have survived without my support team. Find yours and rely on them. Please.
So as a mom how do you know when it is time to ask for help? That's tough to pinpoint because it is different for everyone. I can tell you my experience and then guide you with a few pointers.
I had my first daughter when I was twenty-two. Yes, I was a baby myself. I can remember feeling completely alone and overwhelmed, but I didn't let anyone help me in any way because I thought that I should be able to do everything myself. Life was supposed to go back to normal, but with a baby. I worked full-time and kept a spotless and efficient household. I cared tirelessly for this new baby. I politely declined when my in-laws would offer to watch my sweet baby to "give me a break". I didn't need a break. I was FINE.
Until I wasn't.
It was March 2003. I was sitting on the couch breastfeeding my daughter at 3:00 am. I was shoveling fork fulls of Entenmann's Raspberry Coffee Cake directly out of the box and into my face. This was before smart phones, so instead of scrolling feeds I was flipping through the channels on the TV. I stopped on MTV because like I said I was twenty-two. Back then, MTV Spring Break was a huge deal and they were currently running their 24/7 coverage of it. I don't remember specifically what show was on but I do remember that there were a bunch of teeny-waisted, tan girls my age dancing with handsome buff dudes. They looked like they were having so much fun. They were uninhibited and free. These peers of mine were taking a much needed break from whatever college they were attending, and were partying hard on MTV at an exotic locale. I dropped my fork.
At this exact moment, I realized that I was not like the rest of my peers. None of my friends had kids. They were all in college. Some were still living with their parents. They were out right now having fun with friends drinking in bars or dancing in clubs. I started feeling sorry for myself. And lonely. What was I going to do? I was responsible for this tiny being. I was working full-time to help feed her and keep the lights on. I was up to my neck in responsibility, and these kids on MTV were free and living their lives by their own rules.
I completely realize that this all makes me sound like a whiny brat, but it was where my head was at during that time. Once I realized that my life was dramatically different than my peers I started crying. Full-throated ugly sobbing. I drenched my daughter and my remaining coffee cake with hot tears.
These toned and tanned kids were too much for me. I was still carrying around my pregnancy weight three months after giving birth, and good Lord was I pale. Sweatpants and Thrasher t-shirts were my go-to outfit. My fiance at the time was out with friends enjoying his life. I had no idea where he was or when he was coming home. I wasn't free. I wasn't my own person anymore. I was forever tied and responsible for this tiny creature who was literally sucking me dry. I took care of so much everyday. Why was I the only one who was capable of taking care of everything? Why did I have to do it all?
Then I suddenly realized that I didn't have to do it all. That everything I had been thinking and trying to achieve had been bullshit. I was the one who was doing this to myself. By not expecting my partner to help me I was enabling his behavior and this entire situation. By not accepting help from anyone I was setting myself up for failure. It was then that I realized that I needed help. I needed to reach out to others. I needed to check in with myself and create a life that benefited my daughter and me.
Well long story short, that fiance wasn't thrilled with his new responsibilities. We ended up getting married and having another daughter together. After going through the same bullshit that I did with him when my first daughter was born, I decided it was best for me and for my kids to leave. That was one of the best and hardest decisions I have ever made. He is a great dad, he just wasn't the husband I needed him to be. We have a great friendship now and are able to co-parent our children while divorced. We have been successful at this co-parenting thing for thirteen years.
I started asking for and accepting help from others regularly. I started to listen to advice from family and friends who had already been through it. I started therapy, and was clinically diagnosed and treated for major depression and anxiety. I found a group of mom friends who I adore to pieces. I met an amazing man who is now my husband.
I do have to admit that I have had to check myself many times since the "Great Couch Breakdown of 2003". Sometimes I still find myself insisting on doing it all, or think that maybe I can go off my depression and anxiety medication, or that I should just give my husband a pass at everything. Sometimes I feel like I am spinning a hundred plates while doing ballet. When that happenes I get pretty grumpy. And that's a gentle way of putting it. I get short with my kids, glare at my husband through jealous, squinted eyes and really hate my life. My depression and anxiety get very loud despite my medication, and I start to see red. I dread everything and everyone. I just want to lie on the kitchen floor and stare at the ceiling. Can't I do that for five fucking minutes?
Luckily I am self-aware enough to know when enough is enough. I take things off my to-do list that are unnecessary, delegate tasks to my able-bodied husband and children and run off to practice some self-care. I get really selfish with my time. My me-time. Then like magic, shortly after readjusting my priorities and relying on my support network, I start to feel more balanced. And happier. And less like laying on the kitchen floor.
Stress happens to the best of us. Knowing when to slow down before blowing your top is key. But how can you know? When your brain is telling you that you are a failure or a burden, how can you see through the bullshit and be self-aware and confident?
I would say that your first red flag would be if you feel trapped. Motherhood should not feel like a trap. If you feel like you are stuck in this life, you hate doing everything that you have to do and you are holding in negative feelings about the people you love, that's a sign. Your second red flag would be when you feel absolutely spent. Burnt out and physically and mentally exhausted. You know that's not your best self. How can you be there for your family if you feel like crawling into a hole and dying?
Well, the short answer is you can't care for your family or yourself when you feel like shit. And unfortunately, rarely does anyone mother the mother. But, and also unfortunately, there is a shame associated with asking for help. You might feel guilty reaching out and that's a totally normal feeling. But the bottom line is that you have to stop comparing yourself to others. It's just not worth it. You have to take care of you and yours, and spending time comparing yourself to some perfect mommy blogger on Instagram isn't only exhausting but it is self defeating. It really drags down your mental health. Realize that even the Instagram moms, the perfect PTA moms, and well-meaning mother-in-laws are all have their own problems. No one is perfect, and everyone goes through some shit every now and then. Social media is a world of staged pictures, carefully edited captions and curated (and sometimes paid for) follower lists. Never forget that and you will be one step ahead of the game. In fact, as homework, I want you to unfollow every single account that makes you feel bad. Instagram is supposed to be entertaining and inspiring. Not soul sucking. Constantly seeing posts that make you feel bad about yourself isn't something that you have to do. Cut that shit right out.
Stop being embarrassed to speak up. Tell guilt and shame to fuck off. Turn inward and get selfish. They say that raising kids takes a village and they aren't wrong. Establish your village, and lean on those people all of the time. Check in with your mental health, and if you are feeling off, schedule a therapy appointment or a meeting with a psychiatrist. It's so totally okay to need and rely on medication for mental illness. You take pain reliever for a headache or cold medicine when you are sick right? It's literally the same damn thing.
Suffering in silence is a very real thing. Living your life that way not only impacts you but your family and everyone around you. If you turn inward, find what you need, then turn to others, your life will dramatically improve. Hanging up your superhero cape could result in a better relationship with your partner and kids and a sunnier disposition. You've got this mama. I promise.
And if it feels too hard then it probably is. And you should and need to ask for help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing depression or anxiety during pregnancy or in the postpartum period, contact the Postpartum Health Alliance warm line at 888-724-7240 or Postpartum Support International at 800-944-4773. If you feel like you are out of the postpartum time frame you can get help by contacting The National Alliance on Mental Health by texting NAMI to 741-741, 24/7 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor for free.
Other helpful resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-TALK (8255)
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Check out NAMI's "Navigating a Mental Health Crisis: A NAMI Resource Guide for Those Experiencing a Mental Health Emergency" so that you can act quickly, ease your mind and lessen the impact in the event of a mental health crisis.
Sound about right? It's fucking exhausting. And stressful. And impossible to keep up.
But to throw the towel in and ask for help is to admit defeat right? Self-care is for the weak. Checking in with your mental health or even questioning it in the first place makes you a failure doesn't it?
Do you ever wake up and wonder how you are going to make it through your day? Do you dread every single task on your list? Do you ever wish that you could just lie on the kitchen floor and stare at the ceiling for an hour? Okay, that last one was a little specific, but I have dreams too you know.
Do you ever wish that your kids would just be quiet and give you a minute? Is your partner seriously rolling their eyes at leftovers? Do you ever wish that you could get away. Alone? Do you ever feel overwhelmed and hopeless and sad. Less than perfect?
Shouldn't you be happy? You have it all! A great partner, wonderful kids and a beautiful home. You are truly a superhero who is plowing your way through life, achieving everything and killing it everyday. You are fine. You don't need a break. You aren't a quitter.
Look. If this is all hitting a little too close to home then sit down. You need to read this.
IT IS OKAY to need to slow down, delegate and ask for help. In fact, it is essential to your mental health and overall well-being. This may come as a shock to you, but you simply cannot do it all every day. In our culture, being "busy" all of the time is a point of pride. Moms are experiencing more pressure than ever to hold everything down. As I mentioned earlier, social media sets some pretty high expectations. In the past, moms compared themselves to their parents, siblings or friends. Now on top of those comparisons, we are comparing ourselves to every single seemingly perfect person on social media. It's not realistic. And it certainly isn't healthy.
Not to mention that most of the time moms view themselves as the sole child care provider. Have you ever referred to your partner as "babysitting the kids"? Mmmm hmmm. Or watch as people flood them with accolades for spending time with THEIR kids? Moms aren't treated the same way, and it affects how they view their role in the parenting team. Maybe you are a single mom and truly are the only caregiver to your children. That's really tough. Feeling like you are alone in this parenting thing can be very isolating. I hope that if you are in that situation that you have an excellent support team of family and friends that you can rely on. Once upon a time I was a single mom of two under two, and I seriously do not think I would have survived without my support team. Find yours and rely on them. Please.
So as a mom how do you know when it is time to ask for help? That's tough to pinpoint because it is different for everyone. I can tell you my experience and then guide you with a few pointers.
I had my first daughter when I was twenty-two. Yes, I was a baby myself. I can remember feeling completely alone and overwhelmed, but I didn't let anyone help me in any way because I thought that I should be able to do everything myself. Life was supposed to go back to normal, but with a baby. I worked full-time and kept a spotless and efficient household. I cared tirelessly for this new baby. I politely declined when my in-laws would offer to watch my sweet baby to "give me a break". I didn't need a break. I was FINE.
Until I wasn't.
It was March 2003. I was sitting on the couch breastfeeding my daughter at 3:00 am. I was shoveling fork fulls of Entenmann's Raspberry Coffee Cake directly out of the box and into my face. This was before smart phones, so instead of scrolling feeds I was flipping through the channels on the TV. I stopped on MTV because like I said I was twenty-two. Back then, MTV Spring Break was a huge deal and they were currently running their 24/7 coverage of it. I don't remember specifically what show was on but I do remember that there were a bunch of teeny-waisted, tan girls my age dancing with handsome buff dudes. They looked like they were having so much fun. They were uninhibited and free. These peers of mine were taking a much needed break from whatever college they were attending, and were partying hard on MTV at an exotic locale. I dropped my fork.
At this exact moment, I realized that I was not like the rest of my peers. None of my friends had kids. They were all in college. Some were still living with their parents. They were out right now having fun with friends drinking in bars or dancing in clubs. I started feeling sorry for myself. And lonely. What was I going to do? I was responsible for this tiny being. I was working full-time to help feed her and keep the lights on. I was up to my neck in responsibility, and these kids on MTV were free and living their lives by their own rules.
I completely realize that this all makes me sound like a whiny brat, but it was where my head was at during that time. Once I realized that my life was dramatically different than my peers I started crying. Full-throated ugly sobbing. I drenched my daughter and my remaining coffee cake with hot tears.
These toned and tanned kids were too much for me. I was still carrying around my pregnancy weight three months after giving birth, and good Lord was I pale. Sweatpants and Thrasher t-shirts were my go-to outfit. My fiance at the time was out with friends enjoying his life. I had no idea where he was or when he was coming home. I wasn't free. I wasn't my own person anymore. I was forever tied and responsible for this tiny creature who was literally sucking me dry. I took care of so much everyday. Why was I the only one who was capable of taking care of everything? Why did I have to do it all?
Then I suddenly realized that I didn't have to do it all. That everything I had been thinking and trying to achieve had been bullshit. I was the one who was doing this to myself. By not expecting my partner to help me I was enabling his behavior and this entire situation. By not accepting help from anyone I was setting myself up for failure. It was then that I realized that I needed help. I needed to reach out to others. I needed to check in with myself and create a life that benefited my daughter and me.
Well long story short, that fiance wasn't thrilled with his new responsibilities. We ended up getting married and having another daughter together. After going through the same bullshit that I did with him when my first daughter was born, I decided it was best for me and for my kids to leave. That was one of the best and hardest decisions I have ever made. He is a great dad, he just wasn't the husband I needed him to be. We have a great friendship now and are able to co-parent our children while divorced. We have been successful at this co-parenting thing for thirteen years.
I started asking for and accepting help from others regularly. I started to listen to advice from family and friends who had already been through it. I started therapy, and was clinically diagnosed and treated for major depression and anxiety. I found a group of mom friends who I adore to pieces. I met an amazing man who is now my husband.
I do have to admit that I have had to check myself many times since the "Great Couch Breakdown of 2003". Sometimes I still find myself insisting on doing it all, or think that maybe I can go off my depression and anxiety medication, or that I should just give my husband a pass at everything. Sometimes I feel like I am spinning a hundred plates while doing ballet. When that happenes I get pretty grumpy. And that's a gentle way of putting it. I get short with my kids, glare at my husband through jealous, squinted eyes and really hate my life. My depression and anxiety get very loud despite my medication, and I start to see red. I dread everything and everyone. I just want to lie on the kitchen floor and stare at the ceiling. Can't I do that for five fucking minutes?
Luckily I am self-aware enough to know when enough is enough. I take things off my to-do list that are unnecessary, delegate tasks to my able-bodied husband and children and run off to practice some self-care. I get really selfish with my time. My me-time. Then like magic, shortly after readjusting my priorities and relying on my support network, I start to feel more balanced. And happier. And less like laying on the kitchen floor.
Stress happens to the best of us. Knowing when to slow down before blowing your top is key. But how can you know? When your brain is telling you that you are a failure or a burden, how can you see through the bullshit and be self-aware and confident?
I would say that your first red flag would be if you feel trapped. Motherhood should not feel like a trap. If you feel like you are stuck in this life, you hate doing everything that you have to do and you are holding in negative feelings about the people you love, that's a sign. Your second red flag would be when you feel absolutely spent. Burnt out and physically and mentally exhausted. You know that's not your best self. How can you be there for your family if you feel like crawling into a hole and dying?
Well, the short answer is you can't care for your family or yourself when you feel like shit. And unfortunately, rarely does anyone mother the mother. But, and also unfortunately, there is a shame associated with asking for help. You might feel guilty reaching out and that's a totally normal feeling. But the bottom line is that you have to stop comparing yourself to others. It's just not worth it. You have to take care of you and yours, and spending time comparing yourself to some perfect mommy blogger on Instagram isn't only exhausting but it is self defeating. It really drags down your mental health. Realize that even the Instagram moms, the perfect PTA moms, and well-meaning mother-in-laws are all have their own problems. No one is perfect, and everyone goes through some shit every now and then. Social media is a world of staged pictures, carefully edited captions and curated (and sometimes paid for) follower lists. Never forget that and you will be one step ahead of the game. In fact, as homework, I want you to unfollow every single account that makes you feel bad. Instagram is supposed to be entertaining and inspiring. Not soul sucking. Constantly seeing posts that make you feel bad about yourself isn't something that you have to do. Cut that shit right out.
Stop being embarrassed to speak up. Tell guilt and shame to fuck off. Turn inward and get selfish. They say that raising kids takes a village and they aren't wrong. Establish your village, and lean on those people all of the time. Check in with your mental health, and if you are feeling off, schedule a therapy appointment or a meeting with a psychiatrist. It's so totally okay to need and rely on medication for mental illness. You take pain reliever for a headache or cold medicine when you are sick right? It's literally the same damn thing.
Suffering in silence is a very real thing. Living your life that way not only impacts you but your family and everyone around you. If you turn inward, find what you need, then turn to others, your life will dramatically improve. Hanging up your superhero cape could result in a better relationship with your partner and kids and a sunnier disposition. You've got this mama. I promise.
And if it feels too hard then it probably is. And you should and need to ask for help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing depression or anxiety during pregnancy or in the postpartum period, contact the Postpartum Health Alliance warm line at 888-724-7240 or Postpartum Support International at 800-944-4773. If you feel like you are out of the postpartum time frame you can get help by contacting The National Alliance on Mental Health by texting NAMI to 741-741, 24/7 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor for free.
Other helpful resources:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-TALK (8255)
National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Check out NAMI's "Navigating a Mental Health Crisis: A NAMI Resource Guide for Those Experiencing a Mental Health Emergency" so that you can act quickly, ease your mind and lessen the impact in the event of a mental health crisis.
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