How To Not Be A Narcissist

Maybe someone has called you a narcissist. Maybe you know a narcissist and feel like you can really relate to them. Or maybe you have a sneaking suspicion that you might be a narcissist. While it's super awesome that you are self-aware enough to admit that to yourself, it is still a hard pill to swallow.

The gold standard is that narcissists don't think that they need to change and therefore do not seek out change. There is a combination of low self-esteem and extreme love for themselves that bubbles under their surface. The high pedestal that they put themselves on prevents them from seeing their flaws. Their insecurity makes it very painful and usually impossible to face and admit their flaws. They cannot handle the shame that they associate with admitting flaws or misgivings. So they just push the thoughts or people away. They shut down conversations and leave situations. Anything that they can do to avoid admitting that they are wrong. 

But, some narcissists do start to see the light. Maybe they are wrong. Maybe they behaved badly. Maybe they shouldn't have said that. Maybe that was harsh. Some other turning points for narcissists may be:

• They realize that they respond to anger inappropriately.
• They don't know how to stop overreacting.
• They are tired of the constant up and downs of their self-esteem and find having to constantly chase down validation to be exhausting.
• They lost confidence that their next success will truly make a large impact in their life.
• They keep sinking into a deep, dark depression that is shame-based.
• They engage in self-hating behaviors and thinking processes and feel helpless to prevent their own nasty and harsh attacks on their self-esteem.

If all or any of that is relateable then let's try to get you out of the nightmare. Self-awareness is the first step to making progress and changing your narcissistic behaviors for good.

Therapy is a great place to start your journey. Working with a professional while working on yourself can be very helpful to your mission. Professional therapists or psychologists will be able to offer you many therapeutic suggestions and insights that you might not have come to on your own. It will be hard to open up to someone and admit your flaws. You will feel raw and exposed. You might feel angry at what your therapist says or feel like they are criticizing you. But if you stick with it amazing things can happen. Think of therapy as an add-on, not the cure. You will still have to do some hard work on your own.

Narcissistic behaviors come from habits that have formed over time. Once these behaviors become habits they are difficult to break.These automatic reactions can be very hard to recognize and control or change. You can learn new behaviors and coping skills and with continued practice, your new non-narcissistic behaviors will replace the old narcissistic ones. Kind of like when you update apps or the software on your phone. You are just updating your coping strategies.

I have scoured the internet looking for ways to change narcissistic behavior and have come up with some great information and sources. Just please remember that I am not a professional. This post is for informational purposes only. Seeking professional help is an important step in your transformation and should be top priority when attacking narcissism head on. I cannot say this enough- I highly recommend discussing any techniques you decide to use with your therapist or psychologist.

One thing that I kept seeing over and over again is that you have to want to change for yourself not for other people. People around you may be throwing out suggestions about what you can change because those behaviors have hurt them. To succeed you have to ignore others just this once and focus on you and what is most important to you to change. Choose a behavior that negatively impacts you and your life and start there. 

Since you are a narcissist, making it all about you will be easy and keep you motivated. No joke, just facts.

Practice Consideration

Consideration is a wonderful way to break narcissistic habits. Try empathy too. How can you practice consideration and empathy?

• Speak to people using their names. It helps you to build a more personal connection with them.
• Be interested in what others have to say and be very open to listening. Don't try to jump into the conversation every chance you get. Just sit back and listen.
• Respect people and their personal space and privacy.
• Don't make plans you don't intend on keeping. Broken promises are very noticeable and very memorable.

Br Mindful

This means really thinking before acting. It is the act of putting yourself in another person's shoes. When talking to someone, commenting on social media or writing a text or email ask yourself how it is going to sound to the person you are talking to. How would you feel if someone said something similar to you? Basically treat others the way you want to be treated.

Know Your Triggers

Triggers are anything-situations, words or behaviors that arouse negative feelings in you. Maybe for a week, carry around a notebook and make a note of each trigger that comes your way. You may notice a pattern and will be able to better identify your narcissistic behaviors.

Manage Your Impulses

Narcissists are often impulsive and do or say things that they regret or that gets them into trouble, without first considering the possible consequence of their actions. Its always important to remember to think first and act or speak second. Practice delaying your "normal" response. Become aware of your impulses and you will be one step closer to changing your behavior.

Choose Empathy

Its really hard for narcissists to think about anyone but themselves but it is a crucial step to overcoming narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists can learn to be empathetic. It just takes practice. So how do you do it? Express a genuine interests in what is going on in the lives of other people. Listen as much as you talk. Don't intrude on other's personal space, use their property or take up their time without their permission.

Take Responsibility

Take responsibility for the things that happen in your life. Narcissists are notorious for manipulating situations to so that they can play the victim or make others feel guilty for something that they actually did. Taking responsibility means recognizing that how things look at the onset doesn't determine how things will end, and that although we cant control everything (or perhaps anything) we all have an enormous ability to influence how much happiness or suffering the events of our lives will bring us.

Some great books on Narcissism:

"Why Is It Always About You?" by Sandy Hatchkiss

"Don't You Know Who I Am?" by Ramanis Durvasula, Ph. D

"Narcissism: Denial of the True Self" by Alexander Lowen