Big Feelings

Cross stitch by me.

I don't know about you but quarantine has me feeling some kind of way lately. For the past few days, I have been irritable and depressed. I am over this whole situation but there is no end in sight. I feel like I am going to crack and am not sure how I am going to continue moving forward.

I am tired of the constant guilt I have been feeling during quarantine. It's exhausting. I feel guilty for not doing enough, I feel guilty for not taking time for myself, I feel guilty when I do take time for myself. Basically, anything I do, or don't do, is wrapped up in guilt. I don't remember what it feels like to be content or satisfied. I feel restless and uncomfortable. In my own home. I feel overwhelmed unmotivated and under appreciated. I am working so hard to keep so many balls in the air and no one is noticing.

Having to home school my kids has been intense and there have been a lot of big feelings associated with it. From me and the kids. There has been a lot of frustration and a lot of worrying on my end. What if I'm not being helpful enough? Could I be doing more? Are they getting everything they need to out of this? And there is, of course, a lot of resistance on their part. So that is a daily struggle.

And speaking of daily struggles, you would think that since we are living Bill Murray's Groundhog's Day, I would at some point be able to predict where my hardships will be and come up with a solution to them. But nope, despite the fact that the same shit happens every day, I am surprised every single time by every familiar situation.

It's no secret that our government sucks. We can't rely on them for accurate information about the pandemic. They offer no insight into our current situation. Trump's daily coronavirus pressers have turned into The Trump Show, a campaign rally that no one asked for. So, we are all floating around in uncertainty. We don't know when this ride is going to stop and that is really making things worse. There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

And once we do emerge from our cocoons, we will have to learn how to navigate the new post-coronavirus world. You and I both know that things will be different, we just don't know how yet. And that is scary.

All of this is to say that I am stressed out and quietly freaking out. I'm ready to get off of this ride but I am trapped. I need a break. I need to be alone. I need to recharge. I need to drop a few titles like teacher, cook and cruise director and go back to being just mom. I need my family to notice my efforts and appreciate what I am doing. I appreciate each of their efforts during this time, why do I feel so underappreciated? I need balance.

I don't know where things will go from here but hopefully these big feelings won't last long. I'll continue to practice self-care, soul-search and move forward. It's all I can do. Like Dory says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming." It's truly all I can do.